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Finding myself suddenly navigating the world of online dating has been, let’s say, a journey. Facebook Dating looked promising—a place where, theoretically, everyone’s on the same page about what they want– better said– there’s something for everyone. Unfortunately, I found a staggering number of “small lies” that men used like tools to subtly shape and manipulate interactions. The best (or perhaps worst) examples came from my encounters with four men: Carlos, Hector, Juan, and Tye. Each, in his way, thought a few minor tweaks to reality would somehow strengthen their chances in the dating game.

Carlos, 49, the “Tall” One
Carlos seemed well-intentioned. In his photos, he had a charming smile, warm eyes, and a vibe that suggested he was genuinely kind. He listed his height as 5’5″—a detail that wasn’t off-putting— as I’m not a stickler for height. In my profile, I’m clear about my own height (5’5″) and figured we’d match up just fine. Besides, I’ve dated men shorter than me and had amazing times.

But the moment we met at the bowling alley for Latin night, it was clear Carlos had done a little… rounding up. This man stood confidently at 5’2”. I wore sneakers, so the deception of a woman in heels was nonexistent. The lie might have seemed small, but the principle of exaggerating one’s height bugged me. If he couldn’t be honest about something as simple as height—something I’d find out in person almost immediately—what else might he be hiding? And more importantly, why feel the need to misrepresent himself to such an absurd degree? He was still lovely, still charming, but the gloss of trust had been scratched.

Hector, 39, the Love-Bombing Hobosexual
Then came Hector. He claimed he was 39 and lived with his cousin after relocating to Florida from NYC, but things unraveled quickly over our first date. First, there were the constant calls from his “roommate,” who was a cousin whom he’d been crashing on his couch since “relocating to Orlando” eight months ago. He was still “figuring things out”  but attempted to sell me a dream that he had his shit together. He’d also told me he had a high-paying job, but the subsequent and many “jokes” about returning to my place implied that he needed a stable place to live.

Honestly, Hector was cool, but his love-bombing out the gate was a huge red flag. Hell–even the cousin was in on the love bombing, seemingly trying to convince me that Hector was “so into” me. I know I’m the dookie, but my guy wanted to lock in after a phone call and sent me $200 that he couldn’t afford. Texts and calls, gifts and praises; he was laying it on thick to distract from his reality. He used paying for my dinner the previous night as a way to manipulate me out of the house because he “had to see me.” If I hadn’t caught on early, he would have seamlessly manipulated his way into my life with his adoration and flattering words. But as the pieces began to fall into place, I realized his “little lies” about income and living arrangements weren’t just personal embellishments—they were a means to engineer the relationship, to position himself in a way that would make me more inclined to take care of him.

Juan, 43, the Homeless Truth-Teller
Juan, on the other hand, was surprisingly upfront. On our first chat, he revealed he was between places and currently living out of his car with his 15-year-old son. I appreciated his honesty, but I was puzzled when he insisted on meeting for a date and wanted to go all out. My confusion quickly morphed into frustration– there was no situation where his having a date was appropriate. Any money he’d spend on me needed to go for shelter for him and his son, and I wasn’t about to cover it. Also— where was the boy going to be? Either way, dating while living out of a car with a kid isn’t a tiny circumstance to overlook.

The manipulation of being homeless and his using pity to gain my time and presence was trash. His brand of manipulation was even more concerning because it came cloaked in honesty; he wasn’t lying about his situation, but he was glossing over its implications, something that I’m absolutely opting out of. 

Tye, 51, the Lame Coach Bag Critic
My last lesson in the small lies of dating came from Tye, 51, who, by all appearances, had a solid career, a lovely home, and a bit of a sharp tongue. His dating profile was meticulous, and he had a “fine taste” in life—or so he said. But Tye’s ideas about refined taste and mine didn’t precisely align. From our first date, he became fixated on his love of Coach bags, making snide comments about my own tastes and standards. He even went so far as to suggest that I “loosen up a bit” and settle for “simpler” things—like Coach.

On top of it all, he was particularly vocal about his preference for non-Black women (I was apparently the golden negress egg). It was puzzling and insulting as if he felt he could gaslight me into dismissing my standards, preferences, and identity. His “small lies” weren’t about his lifestyle or circumstances but about his tolerance and respect—or lack thereof.

The Manipulation Behind the “Small Lie” In Online Dating
As a woman returning to dating after being in a relationship, I’ve realized that what these men presented as small lies were actually manipulative tactics. By adjusting facts or withholding truths, they tried to position themselves in ways they thought I’d find attractive. These tiny misrepresentations aren’t harmless—they’re calculated moves designed to control and influence the relationship dynamic from the beginning.

While I expected that the dating world would have its share of embellishments, seeing how even the most seemingly innocuous lies served as red flags for bigger issues is disheartening. When someone lies about height, lifestyle, or intentions, it signals a disregard for authenticity and the emotional labor we bring to these interactions.

Manipulation in dating strips away my choice and autonomy by distorting the foundation of trust and honesty that relationships build on. When people manipulate, they twist facts, downplay truths, and present a version of themselves crafted solely to suit their interests. This means that the connection isn’t genuine but carefully orchestrated, where I’m not a partner but a pawn in someone else’s agenda. Each lie, however small, makes it harder to see what’s real and fabricated, leaving me to question my own judgment.

When dating, I seek honesty to build trust, yet manipulation undermines this. It robs me of the right to make informed choices based on an authentic understanding of the other person. This erosion of truth becomes a barrier, keeping me from feeling empowered in my decisions or confident in my instincts while online dating. Manipulation cloaks my perspective in doubt and keeps me bound to a narrative I disagree with—a narrative where someone else is in control. It violates my freedom to choose openly and wholeheartedly, making it feel like I’m drifting further from genuine connection and into a place where I have no say over my own story.

Conclusion: Beware of the Red Flags in “Little Lies”

Manipulation occurs when one person uses mental distortion and emotional exploitation to influence and control another, all to gain power to get what they want.

A manipulator is often keenly aware of your vulnerabilities and will exploit them to their advantage. If their tactics work, they’re likely to keep manipulating until you decide to take a stand and actively stop it. Ending this cycle can be challenging, especially when dealing with someone who is persistently manipulative, so seeking support and guidance can be invaluable in this online dating process.


For those venturing into online dating, especially after a long-term partnership, these little lies aren’t just superficial fibs—they’re manipulation tools. So, as you swipe and chat, keep your eyes open and trust your gut; sometimes, the things people “forget” to mention tell you all you need to know.

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BELLE HARRISBELLE HARRISAugust 23, 2024

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